10 ways to use a pencil other than writing or drawing

1. Chewing stick: Bored? Got your head in the clouds? But there's no gum about, and gum is important for daydreaming and other through processes. Well, it's time to stoop and use your pencil. You remember how to do that, right? From back in grade school? So gnaw away. Hopefully you have a clean pencil.
2. Stabbing: I'm not advocating physical violence or anything, but if you ever get attacked by vampires (or by anybody, for that matter) and a pencil is all you have at hand, then stab away! Yep, a pencil can be used as a weapon. I've got a small chunk of pencil lead in my left hand from second grade as proof.
3. Erasing: Yeah, this is an easy one. At least if your pencil has an eraser on one end. But if you don't feel like writing, and you've got that eraser, feel free to do some erasing. Just don't tear through the paper, at least not if you need that sheet of paper again.
4. Throwing into the ceiling: You've probably played this game at work on a slow day. You find one of those drop ceilings that aren't too stiff, and you throw the pencil with the sharp end facing upward at the ceiling. You have to have a little skill to do this correctly and to get the pencil to stick into the ceiling, but with practice it can be fun. You could even get a few co-workers together and have a contest. Or even keep score.
5. Spin the pencil: Remember playing spin the bottle in junior high school? This is just like that, except you are spinning a pencil instead of a bottle. Just make sure to pick good-looking friends to play this one with. And alcohol can help.
6. Measuring: This is a fairly simple use of a pencil, and it's somewhat practical. Let's say you need to measure something, but you didn't bring a ruler or measuring tape with you. What's a handy substitute? Your pencil. Don't worry, because you can always measure the pencil itself later on and multiply that number by the number of pencil lengths used in your original measurement if you are in need of an actual unit of length like inches or centimeters or something.
7. Kindling: Is it cold and you don't have any source of warmth? Well, in that case, hopefully you've got some matches or a lighter and a whole bunch of pencils. Because yes, pencils burn. At least the wooden ones do. I don't want to think about trying to keep warm by burning a bunch of plastic or metal pencils.
8. Back scratcher: Don't you hate it when your back is itching ... right ... there ... in ... the ... middle ... where ... you ... can't ... reach ... it! Thank goodness for pencils, because they can give you that extra bit of length that can allow you to reach those tough spots.
9. Modeling: Okay, you've got to be a real pencil lover to do this one. First off, you're going to need hundreds if not thousands of pencils. And probably some glue. Once you've got all those pencils and glue, you can get to work building a model. What kind of model? Your choice. But I'll suggest something rectangular, like a building, because of the length of pencils. Who knows? You could maybe do a model of a famous building, like the Empire State Building or the Tower of London.
10. Stress relief: Sometimes there's nothing that can do away with your stress like breaking something. That's where pencils come in handy. They're cheap. They're easy to find. They're usually one around somewhere. And, most importantly, they're relatively easy to snap in half. So if you're having a bad day, get to breaking some pencils!

Other useless links for your amusement
10 reasons there ought to be a Constitutional Amendment banning flip flops
5 odd roadside buildings in America
5 weapons to have for a zombie apocalypse

It's True, Jews Really are Trying to Take Over The World

The Experiment Begins
I had always heard the Jews were secretly trying to take over the world. They control the banks. They control the corporations. They control the government. Heck, they even control Hollywood! (My sources for this information shall remain anonymous to protect the guilty).

So, that being the case, I decided a decade or so back that I would go under cover and investigate the truth for myself. I decided to marry a Jew! That's right, I would marry a Jew at the risk of drawing the ire of my fellows.

It didn't take long before I found the right victim ... er, I mean girlfriend. I was a journalist back then, one of the liberal elite, so she had little trouble accepting me into her secretive conclave.

Then we got married almost eight years ago. Since then I have been keeping my eyes and ears open to discover the secrets of the modern Jewish underworld.

The Test
But first, just after we go married, I had to test my new wife to see how far I could push things. One morning while we were sitting together over bowls of Grape-Nuts at the breakfast nook in our house, I said, "You know, the Jews killed Jesus."

She glared at me. "We most certainly did not!"

"Yes, they did," I said. "It's in the Bible."

"No, they did not."

"Yes, they did."

"Did not."

"Did, too."

"Not."

"Too."

"Look," she finally said, "even if Jews were responsible for the death of Jesus, you can't go around blaming an entire people for the actions of a few."

"Sure, you can," I said.

She continued to glare at me. "If that were the case," she went on, "the Romans were just as guilty."

"They were," I said. "I don't like them, either. Dirty Italians."

It was a cold house for a few weeks after that, but at least I had learned some of my limits.

The First Evidence
Shortly after we moved into our first house, I noticed my wife kept receiving in the mail bulky envelopes with a Star of David printed on the front and a return address to a local synagogue. Ah ha! Secret correspondence! I had her now. I opened up one of the packages to find a calendar inside with markings on particular dates. What was this? Secret meetings? Dates for gathering to discuss further world domination?

I approached my wife. I held out the envelope. "What is this?" I asked.

She glanced at it, then went on doing whatever it was she was doing. "It's a monthly memo from my temple," she said.

She admitted it! Right then and there! I couldn't believe it. I was on to something.

"What is it?" I asked, still holding out the envelope.

The wife glared at me again (you'd think I'd be getting used to it). "It's just the monthly calendar."

Ah ha! More admittance! Where would it end?

"A calendar for what?" I asked.

"Special events and things," she said. "It lets the local Jewish community know about events at the synagogue, and other area events of interest."

"Like what?" I had in my mind images of secret cabals gathering at midnight and discussing ways to ruin our peanut butter supplies, plans to steal our cookies and ideas for indoctrinating today's youth in Jewish culture!

She seemed to go back to ignoring me now, but she answered. "Bar mitzvahs and the like," she said.

Bar mitzvahs! What a weird grouping of foreign-sounding words! It had to be something diabolical and I had to find out just what it was.

"What's a bar mitzvah?" I asked.

"It's a ceremony for kids," she said.

So, I was right about them indoctrinating today's children! Where would it end?

"When a boy or girl turns thirteen, we have a special event to mark the occasion," my wife went on. "It's a way of saying they are now an adult, that they are responsible for their actions before God."

I went away smug that day. I had unveiled the first of many secretive plots and events. I would have to gather my strength, gird my loins and try to wriggle my way into one of these bar mitzvahs just to see what all went on there. It was bound to be something evil!

The Letdown
I went to a bar mitzvah. Some kid read from the Bible. Then we had cake. It was not quite what I expected.

Never Surrender
Now I'm eight years into this marriage. I'm remaining ever vigilant, but so far nothing untoward is truly raising my hackles. My wife still receives mail from her synagogue, but it doesn't seem so threatening. She celebrates Hanukkah, I celebrate Christmas. All in the same house, under the same roof. We exchange presents. So far she hasn't tried to kill me in my sleep.

But what really, really irks me is that if there is this Jewish conspiracy going on to take over the world, shouldn't I be getting my fair share?

I finally broke down and asked the wife about this.

"Honey, when do we get our check?"

"What check?" she asked.

"You know," I said. "Your Jewish check."

She looked at me nonplussed. "What in the world are you talking about?"

I winked at her. "Come on," I said, "I know you guys have your little meetings and are secretly running everything behind the scenes."

Her glare returned, harsher than ever.

"So," I went on, "when do we get our check? I married a Jew. Shouldn't we be getting our secret society paycheck anytime now? Otherwise, what good is it running the world?"

She stormed out of the room. We're still not talking. But that's okay. I'm the one who gets the mail every day. I've got my eyes glued on the mailbox for that check.

10 Funny Bumper Stickers

This is just an odd, frightening little bumper sticker. I thought it quirky enough to include here. It's definitely different, and reminds me of my nephew who is afraid of clowns. He can't even sleep in a room where there's anything clown-like, like a poster or something. And he's 25 years old!

333 Half Evil, I had a good chuckle out of this one. Get it? It's half of 666. Now do you get it?

If you don't know what Cthulhu is, this bumper sticker is meaningless to you. If you do know what Cthulhu is, you probably find it hilarious. And for those who don't know, how to describe? Cthulhu is kind of an ancient evil being, sort of like a pagan god, the was created by speculative fiction writer H. P. Lovecraft back in the 1930s.

Star Wars fans should appreciate this one. I mean, who wouldn't want to drive around their very own Death Star?

This one is for all the English teachers out there, and for all the editors and proofreaders. Everybody else probably won't find this one funny, but those who study the English language should get a kick out of it. And, this bumper sticker is kind of true, too.

This one isn't meant to be anti-religious or anything like. I just thought it was funny considering all the "In Case of Rapture, This Car Will Be Unmanned" bumper stickers I've seen over the last few years.

This is a play off all those annoying "My son/daughter was an honor student" bumper sticker. Sorry, but no one outside your family and maybe a couple of teachers really cares that your kid is an honor student. Yes, it's a nice thing to be an honor student. But it affects the rest of us in no way whatsoever. And it doesn't prove your kid is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Fans of the Highlander movies and TV shows should get this one. For those unfamiliar, the saying is usually "Highlander: There Can be Only One." Get it? No? You guys aren't any fun.

Parents should appreciate this one, and maybe bird or pet lovers, too.

I think this bumper sticker could work nearly as well for the Democrats, so no, I'm not trying to slam the Republicans. It's just funny. If you can't laugh at yourself every once in a while, you're not worth having around. Fans of Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling should get this one right away. But what with all the books and movies, who doesn't know who Voldemort is nowadays? Probably a few.

Five Favorite Action Figures for Boys From the 1970s

Evel Knievel
Along about 1976, every boy wanted to be Evel Knievel. But since you couldn't, the next best thing was to have the bendable Evel Knievel figure on his motorcycle with that little ramp thingy you revved up to get Evel to roll off down the road. I never had much luck getting my Evel Knievel to travel very far. Usually two or three feet was about it, then ole Evel rolled over on his side. I actually wish I still had one of these things today.

G.I. Joe
I'm talking the original G.I. Joe from the 1960s and early 1970s, not those little plastic pieces of garbage that fought Cobra in the 1980s. No, none of that science fictiony stuff. I'm talking the real deal, when Joe was the all-American hero soldier. Joe stood a solid 12 inches tall and you could get all kinds of different weapons and clothes and other garb for him. He even had some cool vehicles. My favorite version of G.I. Joe was the one with the beard, pictured below.

Micronauts
Other than maybe the original Star Wars action figures, The Micronauts were the first real science-fiction type figures I remember on the market. They came in a bunch of different sizes, styles and colors. My favorite was the big bad guy, Baron Karza, pictured below. One thing great about The Micronauts was that with all their different styles, it was fun to try and collect as many of them as you could.

Shogun Warriors
The Shogun Warriors were like giants, standing at 2 feet tall. That's big for a kid! They came in plastic, often fired some kind of missiles or other weapons and came in a bunch of different styles and colors. I had three of these monstrosities and they were the coolest ever for a kid back in the '70s. Who else had their own giant robots?

Six Million Dollar Man
Every boy wanted to be Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man. The TV show was that popular. And the toys sold by the truckloads, I'm sure. While Steve Austin was the main action figure, there were also a handful of others, such as Bigfoot, Oscar Goldman, Fembot and Maskatron. You could even look through Steve's fake glass eye as if you were using his bionic eyesight. Loads of fun.

Five Weapons to Have for a Zombie Apocalypse

Everyone has their favorites, but here are my five suggestions for the weapons you should have when the zombies rise.

Barret M107
Yes, this big rifle is a lot to carry around, but you'll want it when you need it. And really, this thing is made for placing on a rooftop where you can safely blast away at the walking undead below. Comes in .50 caliber, would should be more than enough to drop some zombies. If you don't have a scope, check out your local Wal-Mart or gun-supply shop, that's if you can get there through the zombie horde.

Atchisson Auto Assault-12 Shotgun

Rumor is, this excellent shotgun can fire in full automatic, but I kind of doubt it. Maybe, but it sounds like an urban legend to me. Anyway, this things packs a hefty 12-gauge wallop at close range and definitely comes in semi-automatic. This would be a great firearm to have for close-up work, especially if you can get 20-round drum or the 32-round drum. But even if all you've got is the 8-round or 5-round magazine, you'll still be able to deal out lots of damage. Just remember to aim high for the heads when you're fighting zombies.

Smith & Wesson 586
Yes, I realize this is a revolver, which might turn off some folks who like the higher bullet capacity of a semi-auto handgun. But really, during a zombie apocalypse, a handgun is a last-resort weapon. By the time you're down to having to use a handgun when facing zombies, you want accuracy and plenty of boom-boom, you don't want the spray-and-pray action that semi-autos can lead to. This firearm comes in .357 magnum, which is powerful enough for closeup zombie work. Anything more powerful can distort your aim, and even if you're out of .357 shells, this thing will fire .38 specials, too.

AR-15

This is your medium-to-long range weapon. This should probably also be your primary weapon of choice. The other firearms listed above are more for specific ranges or situations, but this is a good one for all-around purposes and should be on your back or in your hands at all times once the zombies are shuffling around. Comes in .223 caliber or 5.56 NATO. I like both rounds, so you can choose your favorite.

Machete
Actually, a better suggestion might be a big, two-handed sword, one that is really, really heavy, or a battle axe. But I decided upon the machete because it's easier to find and easier to use for those unskilled with similar weapons. What you really need is a heavy chopping weapon, something with a little length to it that keeps you away from gnashing teeth and clawing fingers. Other good choices for melee weapons would be a spiked mace, a spiked war hammer or something similar. You want something that can chop, but you really need that blunt-force trauma, a weapon that can punch through skulls and hit the brain. So, go for heavier instead of sharper, but a spike or heavy point will be useful.