Guest post: So, I Married a Goy

Recently my wife discovered my online articles. Here is her reaction to my ramblings, especially concerning an article I wrote about her being Jewish.

My husband is a writer. It is not exactly what you would think of as a dangerous occupation, but that was before I found myself the subject of some of his writings. Things could become quite dangerous for him now.

I suppose I was just not paying attention. We established early in our relationship that we had very different tastes in reading materials. My husband was a newspaper editor and wrote fantasy novels in his spare time. Occasionally I would edit a chapter or two, but mostly I left his writing to him. It seemed a sacred and private thing to him and I respected his space. He doesn’t ask for much. He wants peace and solitude for writing and cheesecake for his birthday. He doesn’t like sports on television, he is generally passive, and he takes out the trash. I always considered myself fortunate in this regard, but I had no idea he was a loose canon typing away in our den.

Recently I read some of his articles. It started harmlessly enough … a few reviews of books he had read and his take on Domino’s Pizza transformation, and 400 articles about beer. And then I saw the title, “It’s True, Jews Really Are Trying To Take Over The World.” My first thought … we’re going to have to move.

This article is my husband’s idea of humor. I have told him repeatedly that he is not funny, but I stand corrected. He is both funny and offensive; which means he could have a successful career in comedy! But, let’s face it, I am still funnier. For instance, I would have never argued with him about theology like a 9 year old over Grape-Nuts. When he said, “The Jews killed Jesus,” I would have retorted, “Yeah, well you’re next if you don’t pick up your socks”.

The truth is, anyone who knows anything about my husband knows cake is one of his food groups. He loves cake! My guy dreams of cake and gazes through bakery windows like he’s watching porn. Once we were at a friend’s wedding and the cake was bad. I did not know there was such a thing as bad wedding cake and neither did my husband. I swear I saw an actual tear in his eye. The man loves cake. That alone could make him more Jewish than me, because everyone knows Jews LOVE cake!

As for the rest, all marriages have their challenges. Sometimes there are differences in political views, but you find balance. Sometimes there are differences in religious views, but you find harmony. But when one spouse is a brilliant wit and the other has no sense of humor you are doomed. In this I am doubly blessed. Were it not for my jovial disposition, I would have never looked beyond the “Jewish check” comment to see my husband is funny. But I’m still funnier. I have to be. After all, I married a goy.

It's True, Jews Really are Trying to Take Over The World

The Experiment Begins
I had always heard the Jews were secretly trying to take over the world. They control the banks. They control the corporations. They control the government. Heck, they even control Hollywood! (My sources for this information shall remain anonymous to protect the guilty).

So, that being the case, I decided a decade or so back that I would go under cover and investigate the truth for myself. I decided to marry a Jew! That's right, I would marry a Jew at the risk of drawing the ire of my fellows.

It didn't take long before I found the right victim ... er, I mean girlfriend. I was a journalist back then, one of the liberal elite, so she had little trouble accepting me into her secretive conclave.

Then we got married almost eight years ago. Since then I have been keeping my eyes and ears open to discover the secrets of the modern Jewish underworld.

The Test
But first, just after we go married, I had to test my new wife to see how far I could push things. One morning while we were sitting together over bowls of Grape-Nuts at the breakfast nook in our house, I said, "You know, the Jews killed Jesus."

She glared at me. "We most certainly did not!"

"Yes, they did," I said. "It's in the Bible."

"No, they did not."

"Yes, they did."

"Did not."

"Did, too."

"Not."

"Too."

"Look," she finally said, "even if Jews were responsible for the death of Jesus, you can't go around blaming an entire people for the actions of a few."

"Sure, you can," I said.

She continued to glare at me. "If that were the case," she went on, "the Romans were just as guilty."

"They were," I said. "I don't like them, either. Dirty Italians."

It was a cold house for a few weeks after that, but at least I had learned some of my limits.

The First Evidence
Shortly after we moved into our first house, I noticed my wife kept receiving in the mail bulky envelopes with a Star of David printed on the front and a return address to a local synagogue. Ah ha! Secret correspondence! I had her now. I opened up one of the packages to find a calendar inside with markings on particular dates. What was this? Secret meetings? Dates for gathering to discuss further world domination?

I approached my wife. I held out the envelope. "What is this?" I asked.

She glanced at it, then went on doing whatever it was she was doing. "It's a monthly memo from my temple," she said.

She admitted it! Right then and there! I couldn't believe it. I was on to something.

"What is it?" I asked, still holding out the envelope.

The wife glared at me again (you'd think I'd be getting used to it). "It's just the monthly calendar."

Ah ha! More admittance! Where would it end?

"A calendar for what?" I asked.

"Special events and things," she said. "It lets the local Jewish community know about events at the synagogue, and other area events of interest."

"Like what?" I had in my mind images of secret cabals gathering at midnight and discussing ways to ruin our peanut butter supplies, plans to steal our cookies and ideas for indoctrinating today's youth in Jewish culture!

She seemed to go back to ignoring me now, but she answered. "Bar mitzvahs and the like," she said.

Bar mitzvahs! What a weird grouping of foreign-sounding words! It had to be something diabolical and I had to find out just what it was.

"What's a bar mitzvah?" I asked.

"It's a ceremony for kids," she said.

So, I was right about them indoctrinating today's children! Where would it end?

"When a boy or girl turns thirteen, we have a special event to mark the occasion," my wife went on. "It's a way of saying they are now an adult, that they are responsible for their actions before God."

I went away smug that day. I had unveiled the first of many secretive plots and events. I would have to gather my strength, gird my loins and try to wriggle my way into one of these bar mitzvahs just to see what all went on there. It was bound to be something evil!

The Letdown
I went to a bar mitzvah. Some kid read from the Bible. Then we had cake. It was not quite what I expected.

Never Surrender
Now I'm eight years into this marriage. I'm remaining ever vigilant, but so far nothing untoward is truly raising my hackles. My wife still receives mail from her synagogue, but it doesn't seem so threatening. She celebrates Hanukkah, I celebrate Christmas. All in the same house, under the same roof. We exchange presents. So far she hasn't tried to kill me in my sleep.

But what really, really irks me is that if there is this Jewish conspiracy going on to take over the world, shouldn't I be getting my fair share?

I finally broke down and asked the wife about this.

"Honey, when do we get our check?"

"What check?" she asked.

"You know," I said. "Your Jewish check."

She looked at me nonplussed. "What in the world are you talking about?"

I winked at her. "Come on," I said, "I know you guys have your little meetings and are secretly running everything behind the scenes."

Her glare returned, harsher than ever.

"So," I went on, "when do we get our check? I married a Jew. Shouldn't we be getting our secret society paycheck anytime now? Otherwise, what good is it running the world?"

She stormed out of the room. We're still not talking. But that's okay. I'm the one who gets the mail every day. I've got my eyes glued on the mailbox for that check.

10 Tips for Finding a New Church

1. Start on the Web: The Internet is a useful tool when considering new churches. You often get to see what the church physically looks like, a map of where it's located, and most importantly, you can get a feel for what type of programs and ministries are offered. This can also give you a brief glimpse into life at different churches, what type of members they have, their beliefs, and more.
2. Be truthful with yourself: What denomination are you? Or do you want to join? Baptist? Methodist? Lutheran? Catholic? There are many denominations to choose from. Pick what's right for you and your family. You might even want to sit down and discuss with your family what your core beliefs are; maybe even make a list.
3. Call ahead: Be courteous and call ahead before visiting potential churches. Also, come up with a list of questions you might want to ask the minister or a clerk or congregation members. This list can also help you remember differences about churches if you are visiting quite a few.
4. Be practical: If you are a Baptist and there are four Baptist churches in town, why not pick the one nearest to home? There are definitely considerations of comfortability and faith to take into account, but there's no reason to be impractical if there is more than one church you like. Or maybe you could even go to different churches on different Sundays. Sometimes in one town or city their will be a larger church that will have smaller, sister churches throughout the community, so possibly you could be a member at one and attend them all.
5. Consider your relationship with Christ: Not all churches are the same. Ministers preach in different ways not only because they are on their own walk with the Lord, but because they are familiar with the journey the church members are on. Are you on the same path? Maybe you're ahead or behind? Maybe you're on a side path? Maybe you're on a different path altogether? People come to the Lord in different ways, though all through grace. Make sure the feel is right for you. Can you continue to grow in your walk with Christ?
6. Spend some time: If you decide to visit a church for a Sunday service, visit more than once. Some churches rotate their preachers, and you'd get a chance to see whom else will speak the Word. And if a church has multiple services on one Sunday, maybe try different ones. See what's the difference between the 8 a.m. service and the 10 a.m. service and the 6 p.m. service.
7. Be cautious: And keep your eyes and ears open, as well as your mind. Churchgoers can all seem friendly at first, they like new and potential members, but that doesn't mean their church is right for you. Maybe you have a different belief about something than the majority of members have. Or it could be any number of things. Just make sure you and your family are comfortable. Ask for a Statement of Faith from a church leader; nearly all churches will have a Statement of Faith.
8. Be open minded: To some extent. Don't decide against a church for possibly silly reasons, such as maybe they only sing old hymns while you prefer a more modern approach to Christian music. These things can be important if they add up, but don't let one small thing completely sway you to or away from becoming a church member.
9. Trust your feelings: Just because a church is big and has a huge marketing plan doesn't mean the church is right for you. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Make sure a church is more about family and faith than it is about numbers and advertising.
10. Ask around: If you are moving to a new area and/or starting a new job, don't be afraid to ask new people what church they attend, or even if they attend. Most people will not be offended, even if they don't go to a church, and this could lead you along the right path. Plus, once you get to know people a little, you'll know whether or not they attend service and probably where.