Wednesday, May 5, 2010

10 Pedestrians Who Need to Keep Their Butts at Home

  1. Men wearing flip flops or sandals: Sorry, but men should just not wear any kind of shoes that show their feet. Ever. Anywhere. Even in the privacy of their own home. Men have big, ugly, nasty, smelly feet. No one wants to see that. Including your dog. Which is why you shouldn't wear flip flops or sandals even at home. Heck, just go barefoot at home! At least it makes more sense.
  2. The idiot riding a bicycle while wearing a helmet and talking on his cell phone: Okay, so he's safety conscious. That's what the helmet says. But he's also talking on his cell, which shows he's an idiot. Besides looking outrageously stupid. No, buddy, you don't look hip. Sorry to have to be the one to tell you. And he's probably wearing sandals.
  3. The couple walking 10 dogs: I love dogs. I have one. One. Apparently you love dogs, too. Because you have so many of them and are taking up the entire sidewalk from New York City all the way to Seattle while your dogs make a ton of noise. But maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you run a foster home for canines. Maybe you have a dog-walking service. But if that's the case, you should still walk no more than a couple of dogs at a time. Not only is it safer for the dogs, it's less annoying to the two-legged populace.
  4. The guy asking for a dollar, or a quarter or a penny or whatever: Now don't get me wrong. I have sympathy for homeless people. I don't have a problem dropping a couple of bucks on a guy who seems to be really down on his luck. Times are tough. I get it. I myself have been laid off from a couple of jobs recently. My wife lost her job, too. We barely scrape by some days. But the guy without a backpack or bag who is hanging out at the corner just down the street from the liquor store isn't going to get a cent from me. Not unless he has something to offer. Like entertainment. The funniest I've ever seen was a guy sitting on a street corner in Columbus, Ohio. He had a sign that read, "I'll just spend it on beer!" I think I laughed for five minutes. Then I dropped a fiver into the hat at his feet. Crass, maybe. But he didn't walk right up to me and ask for money while feeding me some story that sounds like it's a bunch of bull. And he gave me a smile for the rest of the day.
  5. The screaming woman: Almost always on a cell phone. Your husband is screwing around. Your girlfriend's husband is screwing around. Your girlfriend's cousin's husband is screwing around. And you're going to make sure everyone for fifty blocks knows about it while you have an argument with him or his bimbo or anyone else who happens to know him or his bimbo. Please, take your soap opera life elsewhere not in the public. You're just an embarrassment to yourself. Oops! Hold on a sec. My phone is ringing.
  6. The kid passing out flyers: Hey, kid, you need to learn to recognize faces. I've been by here four times today and every single time you've thrown a flyer at me. I don't need the extra paper. And frankly, I'm not interested in seeing your band or eating at your bistro or drinking at your pub. Save a tree and keep your paper.
  7. The important businessman in a suit: Jostle me one more time while crossing the street and mister, I'll make you eat that Blackberry your thumbing away at. I don't care if you're a lawyer or judge or executive. Wearing a pricey suit, shiny shoes and carrying an alligator briefcase doesn't give you any kind of special rights in the country where I live, they just make you look like the a-hole you really are.
  8. Drunk college students: Oh, how original. You're 21 and you're drunk. And lucky me, it's 3 in the morning. Thanks. I really needed to be woken up to your hell raising up and down my block all night long. Where do you live? Just so I can drop by about 8 a.m. and bang some garbage can lids together outside your front door.
  9. Sports fanatics: It's usually basketball in my city. And I don't mind sports. Really, I don't. I like to go to a game every once in a while myself. But I don't need you knocking on my door to ask if you can use my parking spot behind my house. The answer is "no." It will always be "no." Even if you're offering me 20 bucks. I'm not going to take a chance of your car being vandalized or broken into in my space while you're off hooting and hollering. I don't want to deal with the lawsuit you're going to throw my way because I didn't watch your precious Beamer while you were off getting drunk. Maybe for a cool grand and a signed form saying you won't hold me accountable. Otherwise, go away. And heaven forbid our local team wins, because you and your ilk will be honking horns and screaming for three hours after the game is over. Sometimes couches are even set on fire. Heck, at least you grumble quietly when the team loses.
  10. The concert crowds: You guys are almost as bad as the sports fanatics and drunk college kids. But you bring one extra little annoyance. Whomever it is you're seeing in concert, or whichever band it is, do all of you have to listen to the exact same song from that singer or band over and over again while you're inching your way through traffic in front of my house. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Bon Jovi, but after hearing "Living On A Prayer" for 6 hours straight, that's 5 hours and 59 minutes more than I ever want to again. Or maybe it's just time I moved back to the countryside.

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