Tuesday, May 4, 2010

10 Reasons There Ought to be a Constitutional Amendment Banning Flip Flops

  1. Health reasons: Feet spread disease. I read it somewhere so it's got to be true. Probably hoof and mouth disease or something to do with fungus. Your feet are a danger to everyone around you. And they can't be safe for your ankles, either.
  2. Stank: Feet stink. It's that simple. No one wants to smell your nasty old feet. Get some shoes on, for crying out loud. And socks.
  3. The gross-out factor: Guess what else? No one wants to look at your ugly old feet, either. If God meant for us to look at each other's feet, he would have put them higher on the body so we could all see them without looking down. Maybe underneath the chin or someplace.
  4. Etiquette: Wearing flip flops, at least in public, is just bad manners. It shows one's lack of respect for fellow human beings. It shouts to the world, "Hey, look at my big, nasty-looking feet!"
  5. Religious reasons: Flip flops are not mentioned in the Bible. Nor are they in the Koran or any other holy books recorded throughout all of history. Sure, sandals are mentioned, but sandals aren't exactly the same thing as flip flops. Besides, people back in Biblical times didn't know any better, and they probably didn't have any other choices, at least in warmer climates. So, since flip flops aren't in the Bible, God must not like flip flops. It should've been the 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Wear Flip Flops.
  6. Economic development: Getting rid of flip flops would boost the economy. How? Because people would have to buy real shoes, not those plastic pieces of crap they get from the $5 bin at Wal-Mart.
  7. Foreign relations: The United States would get along better with the rest of the world if there were no more flip flops. Because I said so.
  8. Domestic relations: Americans would get along better with one another, too, if there were no more flip flops. The reason for this is that we wouldn't have to look at so many ugly, smelly feet. That would put all of us in a better mood.
  9. National security: Flip flops are a threat to the country. To all countries. They ... uh, well I don't know what they do, but they're dangerous! They can kill! Remember President Bush had a shoe thrown at him? What if that had been a deadly flip flop? One shudders to think of it.
  10. Education: If kids and college students weren't allowed to wear flip flops, then they would retain more of what they learn in school. How, one might ask? Because the knowledge they pick up in the classroom would no longer drain out the bottom of their feet. Proper shoes would help to hold in all that information.

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