Sunday, May 9, 2010

I Hate Automatic Phone Services

I punch in the phone number on my phone.

The phone rings a couple of times.

Voice on phone: Hello, this is We Are Idiots Utility Service. Thank you for calling. Have you heard about our new fast-check service where you can give us direct access to all of your bank accounts, credit cards and online accounts so we can directly remove your money whenever we want without informing you beforehand that it's going to happen except in a very general way in the small print of the form you initially signed with out company? If not, please sign up for it today and enjoy all the wonderful advantages of having us take your money whenever we want! Have you checked out our Web site at www.iamanidiot.com? If not, please check out the site because many of our services are available there for free (except for the multitude of extra charges we won't tell you about). How may we help you today? If you want to pay your bill (give us money), please press ONE. If you want check on the status of your account, please press TWO. If you need to report an outage in your service, please press SEVEN, NINE, FOUR, TWO, ONE followed by the POUND sign. For any other needs, please hang up and go away.

I push a button, randomly, because nothing in that message was slightly helpful and did not come near approaching dealing with any of the problems I am currently facing.

A new voice on phone: Hello! This is We Are Idiots Utility Service. Thank you for calling. Have you heard about our new credit card billing option? It allows us to access your credit card information and provide it to any of our employees at the switch tap of a few computer buttons. If you haven't signed up for this service, please do so by accessing our Web site online. Also, do you know about our new Rewards program which allows you to spend thousands of dollars with us and receive two cents in return? If not, sign up for this service at our Web site online. If you need to make arrangements to pay your bill, please press ONE. If you need report what you believe is a billing error, please hang up and go away. For all other matters, please wait and an operator will be with you shortly.

So I wait. Seven songs and 45 minutes later, no one has answered.

I am tempted to hang up, but I push the ZERO button in hopes of getting a company operator.

Silence.

A couple of clicking noises.

Then the phone rings a couple of times.

Yet another new voice on phone: Hello! This is We Are Idiots Utility Service. Have you heard about our new dog walking service? If you bring your pooch to one of our local branches, we will walk your dog and let it loose in traffic, all while accepting a hefty payment from you. If you are in dire need of this service, please contact us via our Web site and sign up for the service there. How about our chocolate ice cream service? Not heard of it? If you come down to one of our local branches, we charge only a minimal fee for you to stand there and watch one of our employees eat chocolate ice cream while you wait and wait and wait and receive no service. For all other matters, please press POUND.

I press POUND.

Music plays. For three hours.

Finally ...

Still yet another new voice: Hello! This is We Are Idiots Utility Service. Have you heard about our ---

At this point I hang up.

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