Saturday, May 8, 2010

It's True, Jews Really are Trying to Take Over The World

The Experiment Begins
I had always heard the Jews were secretly trying to take over the world. They control the banks. They control the corporations. They control the government. Heck, they even control Hollywood! (My sources for this information shall remain anonymous to protect the guilty).

So, that being the case, I decided a decade or so back that I would go under cover and investigate the truth for myself. I decided to marry a Jew! That's right, I would marry a Jew at the risk of drawing the ire of my fellows.

It didn't take long before I found the right victim ... er, I mean girlfriend. I was a journalist back then, one of the liberal elite, so she had little trouble accepting me into her secretive conclave.

Then we got married almost eight years ago. Since then I have been keeping my eyes and ears open to discover the secrets of the modern Jewish underworld.

The Test
But first, just after we go married, I had to test my new wife to see how far I could push things. One morning while we were sitting together over bowls of Grape-Nuts at the breakfast nook in our house, I said, "You know, the Jews killed Jesus."

She glared at me. "We most certainly did not!"

"Yes, they did," I said. "It's in the Bible."

"No, they did not."

"Yes, they did."

"Did not."

"Did, too."



"Look," she finally said, "even if Jews were responsible for the death of Jesus, you can't go around blaming an entire people for the actions of a few."

"Sure, you can," I said.

She continued to glare at me. "If that were the case," she went on, "the Romans were just as guilty."

"They were," I said. "I don't like them, either. Dirty Italians."

It was a cold house for a few weeks after that, but at least I had learned some of my limits.

The First Evidence
Shortly after we moved into our first house, I noticed my wife kept receiving in the mail bulky envelopes with a Star of David printed on the front and a return address to a local synagogue. Ah ha! Secret correspondence! I had her now. I opened up one of the packages to find a calendar inside with markings on particular dates. What was this? Secret meetings? Dates for gathering to discuss further world domination?

I approached my wife. I held out the envelope. "What is this?" I asked.

She glanced at it, then went on doing whatever it was she was doing. "It's a monthly memo from my temple," she said.

She admitted it! Right then and there! I couldn't believe it. I was on to something.

"What is it?" I asked, still holding out the envelope.

The wife glared at me again (you'd think I'd be getting used to it). "It's just the monthly calendar."

Ah ha! More admittance! Where would it end?

"A calendar for what?" I asked.

"Special events and things," she said. "It lets the local Jewish community know about events at the synagogue, and other area events of interest."

"Like what?" I had in my mind images of secret cabals gathering at midnight and discussing ways to ruin our peanut butter supplies, plans to steal our cookies and ideas for indoctrinating today's youth in Jewish culture!

She seemed to go back to ignoring me now, but she answered. "Bar mitzvahs and the like," she said.

Bar mitzvahs! What a weird grouping of foreign-sounding words! It had to be something diabolical and I had to find out just what it was.

"What's a bar mitzvah?" I asked.

"It's a ceremony for kids," she said.

So, I was right about them indoctrinating today's children! Where would it end?

"When a boy or girl turns thirteen, we have a special event to mark the occasion," my wife went on. "It's a way of saying they are now an adult, that they are responsible for their actions before God."

I went away smug that day. I had unveiled the first of many secretive plots and events. I would have to gather my strength, gird my loins and try to wriggle my way into one of these bar mitzvahs just to see what all went on there. It was bound to be something evil!

The Letdown
I went to a bar mitzvah. Some kid read from the Bible. Then we had cake. It was not quite what I expected.

Never Surrender
Now I'm eight years into this marriage. I'm remaining ever vigilant, but so far nothing untoward is truly raising my hackles. My wife still receives mail from her synagogue, but it doesn't seem so threatening. She celebrates Hanukkah, I celebrate Christmas. All in the same house, under the same roof. We exchange presents. So far she hasn't tried to kill me in my sleep.

But what really, really irks me is that if there is this Jewish conspiracy going on to take over the world, shouldn't I be getting my fair share?

I finally broke down and asked the wife about this.

"Honey, when do we get our check?"

"What check?" she asked.

"You know," I said. "Your Jewish check."

She looked at me nonplussed. "What in the world are you talking about?"

I winked at her. "Come on," I said, "I know you guys have your little meetings and are secretly running everything behind the scenes."

Her glare returned, harsher than ever.

"So," I went on, "when do we get our check? I married a Jew. Shouldn't we be getting our secret society paycheck anytime now? Otherwise, what good is it running the world?"

She stormed out of the room. We're still not talking. But that's okay. I'm the one who gets the mail every day. I've got my eyes glued on the mailbox for that check.


  1. Are these supposed to be funny? Dirty Italians?

  2. I KNOW you won't approve that one.